What to Do When It’s Over

Obviously, not all break-ups are mutual. Often, one person can’t let go, doesn’t want to move on and mulls for days on ways to «get him back» or «make her change her mind.» Have you ever attempted to swim against the current? Were you successful? Was it a pleasant experience or did you wind up more exhausted and drained than you were before hand? This is a very sensitive subject. On one hand, sometimes «fighting for the other person», as in, refusing to accept his or her decision to end the relationship, does work out and there’s a reconciliation. But it’s not extremely common or likely. It really depends on the given couple and situation, but it’s the same thing as saying most athletes won’t make it to the Olympics. There are a few that do. But the odds certainly aren’t appealing.

So, how do you «get over» someone? I, unfortunately, was in a relationship that I had a feeling would never work out long-term; doomed from that start for various and obvious reasons. But I couldn’t, nor did I want to, quit seeing him because of the way he made me feel. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced before and as time went on, I craved more. But like a modern-day Icarus; after flying so close to the sun (as this man certainly was the center of my universe) for so long, the warmth he brought to my life had begun to burn. My wings melted and I had a long, treacherous fall. And I had no idea how I was going to pick myself up.

The best thing you can do if you really want to move on is implement a no contact contract. Set a firm boundary with the other person, and let them know that any contact will only make things harder. How long? That’s up to you. For me, I know I needed more than just a couple months to get over this guy. In fact, I needed time and space away from any and all mutual friends. They only fueled that trip down memory lane, which as that time, was extremely jagged and rocky.

Apart from no contact, make sure you do proper grieving. It’s easy to stuff feelings. But it’s like clogging a drain. Nasty stuff builds up and eventually it has to be removed in a much messier fashion. So listen to some sad songs, watch a few sappy movies and fill up that journal with anger and tears. Better out, than in. Eventually, the clouds will part and the sun will shine. But on the other hand, you can’t expect the gloom and doom to dissipate if you continue to sit in the storm.

Lastly, do not isolate. Alone time is important for self-reflection, but support is crucial. Open up to family and friends. Make sure you’re more engaged than ever in the activities that make you happy. As an avid singer-songwriter, what I went through certainly made for some great new material.

In summary: Take your time and space, grieve appropriately and stay connected. It won’t get rid of the pain. Scars are souvenirs you never lose, especially ones of the emotional nature. I still have moments, when I hear a song or the mention of his name, that knock me completely off balance. But since this guy, I’ve had a couple amazing relationships, and by experiencing the «bad», it makes the «good» even better.